I recently listened to an interview with a poet named David Whyte. He wrote poems about the words Friendship, Honesty, Ambition and Alone. I found these poems helpful and will be using them as the foundation for the next 4 Monday nuggets of truth.
Friendship is probably the most precious thing in my life. I love being with people who know me and enjoy life with me. My family are all adults now and my relationships have shifted from the dynamics of family by birth to friendships by choice and intention.
My running buddies are great friends as we share the wonders and joys of nature alongside the suffering and triumph of running long and challenging trails. My friends and colleagues in the Salvos, fellow officers and workmates have shared the blessings and trials of the workplace and my many friends in recovery or who continue to struggle in their lives connect in a deep way as we share the suffering and struggles of life.
In all of this, I love being with people in significant ways and I love being a part of their life, but one thing I am more and more aware of these days is that friendship is not about changing other people. A good friendship is not measured by whether or not either of us has improved – the ultimate touchstone of friendship is witness. To be a witness to their journey and to be beside them as a companion – to accompany them - seeing their vulnerabilities and fears.
Friendship is almost always underestimated and a diminishing circle of close friends is the first sign of a life in serious trouble. When friendships start to degenerate and we have fewer safe places to be real and honest, our facades and masks start to become permanent fixtures.
Last week after a week at Maroochydore for work, I managed to forget to put the lovely Sue’s suitcase into the car for the drive back to Brisbane and it had a variety of vital elements to the lovely Sue’s life such as makeup and hair stuff. It required a 3 hour drive to get it that night. The lovely Sue’s Dad felt sorry for me and did the drive, but here we are again two weeks later and I’ve done it again. I have managed to leave my phone in the bathroom at Maroochydore. In my marriage to the lovely Sue, she is a witness to my incomprehensible stupidity and forgetfulness and right now my natural tendency is to hide away and find a way to minimize this reality. The lovely Sue has rolled her eyes and my in Laws who we are living with at the moment look on in puzzled disbelief. But they are nice people and seem to have come to a place of acceptance that they do life with a complete boofhead. Friendship needs to be rediscovered again and again through mutual forgiveness and mercy. Without tolerance and mercy, all friendships die.
It is hard to accept this as it requires honesty and humility to actually have a real friendship. Real friends by this definition need to be permitted to see our failings. Only then can they choose to stay present and engaged in the mess.
Some of my best friends are my running buddies and I think this is so because there is no hiding my emotions and physical capacity on the trails. They have seen me exhausted, cranky and belligerent. They have heard me complain and be discouraged. But they have also seen me battle on and show a bit of grit.
Friendships sometimes drift as the challenges of needing to be close to anyone and genuinely engaging with their failings can be awkward and disappointing. Having to tolerate and forgive people does require some effort. But being alone and isolated is the alternative.
Many of my friends are in addiction and suffer the dreadful relapses and setbacks that seem to regularly be a part of the story. I have so much respect for them as they reengage time and time again and get honest about what is going on. You’d think this is just annoying and frustrating, but in fact it creates a closeness and trust that is kind of special. They know I will love and support them unconditionally and so I get to do life without the masks. They show me their truth. And that is what friendship is all about. Not perfection, witness.
I was at Homeless Connect today and hundreds of homeless people come to the Brisbane showgrounds to access services and get some good food and clothes. Honestly, I got hugs all day. Not from perfect people, far from it, but they were sincere and heartfelt and it was just lovely.
Bless ya,
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