Bringing out the Dirty Laundry

 

Bringing out the Dirty Laundry - Link to podcast

People make mistakes and let us down.  But if we are wanting to have any sort of decent relationship, we need to find a way to leave these mistakes in the past.  My friend Lauren told me to run Narrow Neck Plateau, as it was a pleasant track with a few undulating hills. 

 

Some of you may know that I am a keen trail runner and often run with my friend Lauren Martin.  Back in 2015 Lauren suggested I do a run with a few mates along a trail called Narrow Neck Plateau in the Blue Mountains.  Her comments to me were that it was a great run with a few undulating hills but basically it was a plateau running along the top of a ridge. 

So off I go on my lovely afternoon run along a pleasant grassy plateau.  Well the plateau was a series of murderous cliffs and deep ravines on a rugged stony path.  Now I am a fairly solid build, some would even describe me a chubby, and so hills are generally not something I seek out.  I have to haul about 40 more kilos up each steep incline than Lauren has to and she has little understanding of the suffering this causes me.  So after 17 kilometers of living hell, I managed to get cramp and had to walk for a large section of the track, causing me and my buddies to be a lot later finishing than we intended.  I have never forgotten this and now whenever Lauren gives a description to the Helensburgh trail running crew about the terrain we are about to run, I bring it up and advise all my co-runners not to believe a word she says.

This is all a lot of fun, but if holding on to past hurts like this is used as ammunition in our close and important relationships it can be very damaging.  I have seen couples fighting over trivial household issues and then someone brings up something from 20 years ago and it has turned from a chat about chocolate ice cream to a tension not unlike a criminal case in the high court of Australia! Of course there is no place for abuse or violence in any relationship, but there are often past failures that are sincerely apologised for and need to be left in the past.    

The lovely Sue has a veritable nuclear arsenal of material to use against me, as, like any human married to another one, I have at times been stupid, selfish, cruel and insensitive.  I am sometimes surprised at how little she has activated the codes to the nuclear football that could unleash the justifiable barrage of disappointment, resentment and frustration that she has endured.

But love does not keep a record of wrongs, and the lovely Sue usually works the problem at hand rather than bringing out the dirty laundry every time we have a disagreement.  This way I am able to engage honestly and truthfully without fear of the big guns coming out to silence my point of view and we can communicate. 

I’m not sure she has completely forgotten all the mistakes I have made in the past and she will be cautious if I head down a known track that has been hurtful to her, however she does not use this against me.  Forgiveness does not mean the mistake was OK or to be tolerated, but it does mean giving up the right to get even.  Love cannot blossom when past hurts are left unresolved and festering in the background, only to raise their ugly heads when someone doesn’t get their own way.

Sue and I have done a lot of work to talk though issues and come to terms with each other’s frailties and weaknesses and have a high level of acceptance of the now recognised and familiar traits that make up our flawed humanity. Luckily, there is no score card and we try our best to just love each other just as we are.

Although I do sometimes wonder what schemes are brewing behind those beautiful eyes…  and if I do happen to drive over the speed limit, she has a way of dealing with me that has very little to do with safety, and everything to do with my past speeding fines and the hundreds of dollars we have kindly donated to the Australian government.  She does seem to have this information carefully documented in her computer like mind and a surprising ability to recall specific details when I give her the “don’t keep nagging me and overreacting” look and she feels the need to clearly and firmly remind me of the facts.  

Bless ya,